a young pakistani doctor blogs...
Saturday, December 10, 2005
  On prayers and writing
Well, I’m going to be very honest with you. After a couple of days, of being diligent in my prayers, I faltered again and went off track.

To some, who have been praying regularly from a very early age, this whole exercise (of getting back to praying regularly) that I'm chronicling here might seem a little strange. I envy you lot a little bit. On the up side, such ingrained regularity with your prayers never seems to falter as you guys seem simply incapable of missing a prayer. On the downside however, some of you (and I might be wrong here) will take your prayers for granted. It goes on to become a mechanical activity with little real spirituality behind it. I’ve seen despicable behavior from people who pray 5 times a day. All that praying doesn’t seem to stop them from doing anything wrong. That’s not how I see praying.

That is not to excuse myself from my own failings however. I’m not proud of where my efforts have led me, but I guess as long as I’m being honest and writing in this blog, at least I’ll have something to keep me trying. Inshallah, eventually I’ll get somewhere with this. I’ll try again and try to keep focused.

Praying has got to leave you feeling stronger morally than before you started it, or the whole exercise would seem pointless. If I don’t feel my faith re-affirmed every time I pray I’d think I could have done better.

Well, enough of that for now. I’ll keep you updated.

These days, the wait is on for a very anticipated final year result. I’m not DrPak yet as the result of my final year exam has yet to be announced. It should come out before the 20th of this month, and word is that it could be announced any day from now till then.

The result means a lot to me. It represents some 20 months of hard work in final year MBBS. Since we don’t have internal assessments or anything, the final exam represents the end result of all our efforts. Heck, it was such a tough time, I started a blog to help me through! Well, that result will finally be out now. The monstrosity of an exam that I was studying for in the first few months of this blog will have a result out very soon. I’ve already had a couple of nightmares about it. It really is a dreadful feeling. That one number can say so much about you.

Note to all: Whenever you find me away from the blog for a time, you should understand that something is wrong. The longer I’m away, the more screwed up things are. I hadn’t been blogging for a few days cuz I didn’t want to report back on my efforts, spiritually speaking. There’s also been the anxiety of the final year result. The last few days were spent in a funk. Today, for some reason, I woke up in a great mood. I have no idea why that was. Far it be for me to self-analyze my good moods. I’m just going to grin and enjoy them.

On another positive note, another one of my articles has been accepted and will be published soon. I love seeing my name in print. When I’m writing fiction, or a fictionalized account of a real event, as I do for this publication, Time is altered during the writing process - I get so into it that before I know it, hours have whizzed by. That is how it is when the prose is going smoothly. When I really feel like producing something and I’m stuck, it can be very frustrating. However when the flow is good, I sink into the process so thoroughly I forget everything else. I forget to eat, to cover myself if I’m cold, to go to the bathroom, to turn on the lights in the room when it gets dark outside… The whole process just commands all my interest. When I know the article is reaching it’s end, the words tumble out, arranging themselves neatly into satisfactory prose and the article ends with an exhilarating feeling of triumph.

At times, when I feel this way, I often think if I weren’t born to be a writer. I wish I could have a stab at it, but the fact remains that there is no way I can embark upon the extremely time-consuming task of writing a novel right now without compromising the goals I’ve already put in the dock. Sometimes I feel distressed, feeling that I’ve been robbed somehow of my true destiny. I put down such negative thinking however by telling myself that if I live long enough, I’ll have enough opportunities to do everything. I’m only 25 years old. That’s less time than Nelson Mandela spent in prison
Insha Allah to all ... the prayers, the result, the side ambition of writing a novel and everything else ... :)
InshAllah everything will work out just fine...i will be praying for you...
I started praying when i was 15...and have been through a similar phase of feeling a connection with Allah and sadly haven't felt that for ages now...but i am trying...you do the same....i hope the spirituality and the connection returns!!
Someone once told me that faith is not constant...it soars at times and one should not be surprised when it plummets....Try listening to recitation of the Quran...it helps!
Oh and congratulations on the publication!
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Recent med school graduate from Peshawar, Pakistan. Started blogging when in throes of final year exams. Currently studying for USMLE Step 1. Aiming for the 2008 Match. I blog about my studies, my worries, and my thoughts on life. I live in Islamabad.

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