Dreary wait in dreary days
The wait for the result is taking a toll. I'm suffering from insomnia and that's making it difficult to concentrate on my work. I remember something I wrote in the 2nd or 3rd entry of this blog:
I want both my parents to rest easy in the twilight of their lives. I want to be able to shield them for a change, to provide for them for a change, to tell them that they never have to worry about money again as long as I'm alive.
But if I don't do well in final year, how can they believe such a day will ever come? How can I? They'll worry incessantly about me until my feet land in America and I actually go there to work - if that ever happens! They'll keep treating me with no small degree of justified distrust, worried that this son of theirs may never make it all the way like they had once believed he could (and would).
How can I trust myself if I don't deliver in final year? I know I have it in me. I have to clean up my act. No more whimsical, stupid escapist day-dreaming (I do a lot of that - may write about that soon). My success will determine the happiness of people who are so dear to me. I can't afford to let them down.
It's not fair to have all your eggs placed for you in one basket. It's not fair to be a part of such a rotten educational system, where one massive exam at the end of an 18-month-long final year at med school determines your total score. If anything goes wrong…
I'm resisting the temptation to think too much about the result, despite the frequency with which I mention it here. However, the anxiety it generates still sits back there like a burning ember at the back of my consciousness, slowly drilling a hole through my mind. If it's not out soon, I'll go mad. And if the result it not good, I'll … sheesh, don't even want to think about it.
Nothing much to report about today's events. Study didn't go well. My lack of sleep over the last few days made it difficult to focus. I'm going to take a sleeping pill tonight. I don't want to waste tomorrow as well. Inshallah when the result comes out soon, all will be well… the pus will be drained, the fever will die down and I'll be able to sleep alright.