Today I got really scared. Things have been settling down now for me. The final year result is out - I passed and life is supposed to be more peaceful. A truly epic 7 month struggle came to a good end. Seniors of mine who have done well in the Steps tell me that the final year exam is by far the most stressful and difficult because so much junk is piled up on you at one time. They said the steps were less stressful. They were right about the final year exam being nerve-racking. It was very difficult to get through those 45 days of examinations. One after the other after the other.
Now that the result is out, I thought I would return to the books with renewed vigor. The draining effect of waiting anxiously for the result was gone. Relief and a vague, fleeting sense of achievement came and went and now I must truly batten down the hatches and get serious. I thought the last couple of days would see me get off to a good flying kick-ass start. A rejuvenated, encouraged optimistic me, going at the books with and a relatively unburdened mind. Things didn’t quite work out that way though. It’s been three days since the result came out and that ‘flying start’ didn’t come. For the first time, genuine doubt slithered into my mind and sat there brooding ominously. What if I don’t have what it takes? What if I’m not strong enough? From my track record, I really haven’t shown much strength of character in my studies. I don’t have much time left at all now. I’m down to the bare bones of it. Quite simply, if I don’t change my ways and pull out something from within me to get me going, I’m not going to make it. I’ll be a failure. I’ll be mediocre. I’ll be stuck depending on my parents for years to come. I’ve run out of words to describe how desperate the situation is. If this continues any longer… heck, I don’t know what I’ll do.