worried, depressed, anxious, etc...etc...
Every now and then we all gain insights into the workings of our internal machinery, but as time passes by we tend to forget. I’ve learned a lot about myself because of this blog because it freezes those insights in time and never lets me forget. I find that as I get older, I am in a better position to face my challenges because I understand myself better.
For instance, I know that these days when I don’t want to study and find myself playing computer games I used to play when I was a kid, I know I’m just escaping. I’m avoiding the pain of responsibility by transporting myself back to those carefree days of my youth. I also know that when I look at the biochemistry Kaplan book in front of me and it feels like I’m eating sawdust, I know its because this study really
is boring and everyone finds it difficult to sustain their interest in it. I know that when I tell myself I start studying in a half and hour, or maybe an hour, I’m just demonstrating a lack of the will power I need to score well in this exam. I know that there is nothing wrong with me. I’m not sick or depressed and I’m not lacking something that would make me study right.
Its good to know all these things. It’s a good ‘sign’ that this understanding is firmly in place, because these months are very crucial to my life. Those who have been following my blog from the beginning will know of my efforts to bolster my study routine with dreams of becoming a writer. Before this blog every got started, there were dozens of things I tried that I thought I needed to complete that connection towards good, steady work habits. However, now, at long last, I know that I’m not lacking in anything per se. If I don’t utilize the days that pass me by its because I’m not willing to put myself through the tedium and pain it takes to study as hard as I need to. Its because I’m not willing to put my own happiness and peace of mind on hold for a while for a worthier goal. Its because I’m too soft. Because I’m not demanding more from myself. I try to squirm out of it one way or the other. I try to make the days less boring and tedious when I suppose they can’t really be.
Its good to know all this…. and while I reached these conclusions independently, they agree with what I’ve been told by several of my 99er friends, which is basically: life sucks when you’re studying for the preps. A good friend of mine, who got a double 99 actually used the word ‘suicidal’ to describe his state of mind during the steps. I think I have to give up my escapist inclinations and let Reality swallow me whole. Perhaps then I’ll stop running away from the books and stand my ground to meet my daily targets.