Look, don't touch.
Eat, sleep, study and worry about study. That seems to be the flesh of my existence these days. I literally don’t do anything else - just in case any of you thought I had an exciting life, like jumping out of airplanes. The monotony is sometimes punctuated by a movie, although I don’t have a very good video store near me in Islamabad to go to.
But its cool. As long as the study is going well, I can tolerate just about anything. I will sleep well at night and my heart will be at peace. I’m happy in a way because these days whenever I feel a little depressed, I know it’s the studies blues. This is an important realization for me to make be because previously I didn’t understand this. I honestly thought that there was something wrong with me. Not having many friends in Peshawar in the first few years, and being younger and less experienced in such things, the depression causes a viscous positive feedback. I’d be depressed and wouldn’t study because I got hopeless. This would cause my study to suffer even more. Then I’d get even more depressed. For weeks and months I would be walking through a haze of depression, desperately unhappy about my life, trying like hell to analyze it to find out what was wrong with me.
I’m not resentful of the time I spent in Peshawar. I’m not saying I would go there again if I had the chance, but all difficult situations teach us something about ourselves. They force us to be introspective (or that should
be the appropriate response, I think) and through such self-reflection they force us to grow. Another reason I’m not resentful is that if I hadn’t gone to Peshawar (instead of Karachi, Lahore or Islamabad, where I might have fitted in better) I wouldn’t be engaged to the same woman as I am now.
Study is going well. Spirits are not high, they are tough instead, which I think is how they should be. I venture into the days like a veteran now.
On another note, I came across bloggers from Dubai. I’ve always been totally fascinated by Dubai. Who isn’t. I was born and raised in Jeddah, which is probably Saudi Arabia’ most beautiful city. While Jeddah is 10 times larger than Dubai is right now (although that might very well change in just a handful of years), the images I see of Dubai make me very nostalgic. I left Jeddah when I was 17, which I think was a great time to leave. If I had stayed any longer, I might have grown up in the most intellectually active part of my development, in a very suffocating atmosphere. Saudi Arabia is very restrictive and the particular backward brand of Islam they shove people’s throats, at least when I was there, is depressing. Dubai seems to have all the charm that Jeddah had without any of the baggage. I’m sure its not all angels and butterflies there, as I’m finding out in some blogs, but still the city fascinates me. Maybe I may still want to live there for a little while after my residency is over. For now though, I’m just looking at pictures on my computer.